My Life had stood - a Loaded Gun
My Life had stood - a Loaded Gun -
In Corners - till a Day
The Owner passed - identified -
And carried Me away -
And now We roam in Sovreign Woods -
And now We hunt the Doe -
And every time I speak for Him
The Mountains straight reply -
And do I smile, such cordial light
Opon the Valley glow -
It is as a Vesuvian face
Had let it’s pleasure through -
And when at Night - Our good Day done -
I guard My Master’s Head -
’Tis better than the Eider Duck’s
Deep Pillow - to have shared -
To foe of His - I’m deadly foe -
None stir the second time -
On whom I lay a Yellow Eye -
Or an emphatic Thumb -
Though I than He - may longer live
He longer must - than I -
For I have but the power to kill,
Without - the power to die -
“My Life had stood a Loaded Gun” is a poem by the 19th-century poet Emily Dickinson. The poem contains one of Dickinson's most iconic images as its first line (and also as its title—because Dickinson didn’t title her poems, they are often referred to by their first lines). Written around 1863, the poem is ambiguous and could be read in a multitude of ways. However, many scholars have agreed on an interpretation of the poem in which the Loaded Gun functions as an extended metaphor for the speaker, while the Owner represents the speaker's inner rage.
Summary
My life felt like it was a loaded gun, unused and set aside in a corner until one day the gun's owner came in, noticed me there and took me away.
Now we wander outside in the woods together, hunting female deer. When the gun is shot, it feels like the owner and I are one and I'm acting out his wishes. The gunshot echoes through the mountains.
I smile during these instances, and the light from my smile glows upon the valley like a volcanic eruption glows with lava.
When it's night, when our day is over, I protect and watch over my master. This duty is more fulfilling than sleeping beside him and sharing a pillow.
I'm dangerous to his enemies because I kill them on the first try. I aim, they look into the barrel of the gun, and a certain thumb pulls the trigger.
I might live longer than the owner, but he actually has to outlive me because I can only kill. I don't have the power to die.
Themes
Power, Rage, and Gender
“My Life had stood - a Loaded Gun - ” is an ambiguous poem open to multiple interpretations, but perhaps the most common deals with the power of anger. The poem contains one of Dickinson’s most iconic images, with the speaker being the “Loaded Gun” of the title and the “Owner” functioning as an extended metaphor for the speaker’s inner rage. By separating the speaker and the speaker’s rage into these two distinct characters, the poem explores the control that rage has over the body. At the same time, though, the poem suggests that rage provides a power the speaker alone does not possess. In other words, the poem suggests the speaker’s tendency to get carried away by anger, but also that only through that anger can the speaker feel powerful.
This reading takes on further resonance when considering that the anger in the poem is personified as being male; if readers interpret the speaker to be a manifestation of Dickinson herself, and as such that the speaker is female, then it’s possible to take the poem as a specific testament to women’s dormant rage, and how anger is the only way for the speaker to feel a sense of power in a male-dominated society.
The speaker introduces the metaphor of her life as a “Loaded Gun,” detailing a meaningless, powerless existence before the appearance of the Owner—which, in this reading of the poem, can be understood as a reference to the speaker’s anger. The specific wording of “carried away” further suggests how much control anger exerts over the speaker, since people are often described as being “carried away” by intense emotions.
As the day proceeds from hunting to sleeping, the poem expands from the Owner’s control of the speaker into the power it affords the speaker. While “hunt[ing] the Doe,” the speaker “speak[s] for Him” (with “Him” perhaps being a personification of the speaker’s anger) and “The Mountains straight reply -.” This evocative image alludes to an echo caused by a gunshot, and by doing so, shows the magnitude of the speaker’s power when dominated by rage. So loud is the speaker’s voice when bolstered by anger that it reverberates throughout the “Mountains.” At the same time, it suggests that this rage is at odds with women's expected demeanor; a "Doe" is a female deer, often taken as a symbol of innocence and beauty, yet the speaker hunts this creature. Perhaps this means that only by suppressing the stereotypically feminine side of herself can the speaker assert her power.
In any case, having experienced the enticing power that the Owner’s control endows, the speaker allows him to gain full dominance: the speaker in line 14 now calls the owner "My Master.” Basically, the speaker feels powerful when angry, and as such fully submits to (or is "mastered by") rage. When the “good Day [is] Done,” the speaker “guard[s]” the “Master” while sleeping, an arrangement indicating both the speaker solidifying her devotion and the speaker protecting and tending to her rage.
The poem ends by emphasizing the extent of the Master’s control over the speaker, suggesting the speaker couldn’t survive without rage. The poet furthers the gun metaphor by saying the speaker “may longer live,” and “[having] but the power to kill, / Without - the power to die - .” On the one hand, this metaphor might make more sense if readers think of the speaker herself as a gun—an inanimate object made of metal and designed to shoot deadly bullets. On another level, though, the metaphor suggests that the speaker is only truly living when feeling and feeding her inner rage.
The Relationship Between God and Humanity
"My Life had stood a Loaded Gun - " is one of Dickinson’s most challenging poems. The ambiguity leaves it open to varying interpretations and meanings. Many scholars of Dickinson, especially early ones, propose a reading where the Owner/Master is meant to represent the Christian God, with the speaker/gun representing humanity at large. In this reading, the speaker is saying that people are passive tools, granted purpose and power through serving God.
The temptation in poetry to equate the life of the poet with that of the poem's speaker, as well as comparing one poem to an entire body of work, is possibly what led scholars to the Christian interpretation of this poem. Emily Dickinson grew up in a religious family amidst an age of revivalism. While spiritual, she refrained from joining the church, and mulled over her doubts in letters and of course, her poetry. Many of her poems reckon with the central tenants of the Christian faith, such as eternity in "Because I could not stop for Death - ," and even expresses what could be seen as bitterness towards a disengaged God in “Of Course - I prayed - .” Therefore, though the correct meaning will never be known (and the obscurity perhaps intentional), a reading that interprets the Owner/Master as the Christian God and the speaker/gun as humanity is a probable one.
"Identified" is a key word for this reading, as followers of the Christian faith believe their true identity can only be found through God. Fittingly, the speaker’s violent devotion to her Master, willing to literally kill any "foe of his," could be seen as precisely the kind of unwavering faith prescribed to followers of Christ in the Bible.
This reading is perhaps subconsciously inspired by Dickinson’s use of the ballad verse for this poem, which uses a familiar and hymn-like rhythm. Dickinson's extensive knowledge of the Bible and traditions allowed her to mimic its written conventions, even more effective when providing a possibly sharp critique. Viewed in this light, the enigmatic last stanza could be read as Dickinson's doubt in her faith, unable to fully submit to the extent commanded of a Christian: to die for it.
The Power of Creativity
With an opaque poem like this one, the possible interpretations or readings are endless. In addition to the Owner/Master functioning as inner rage or the Christian God, the Owner/Master could also be seen as representing a poet's creative muse, her talents and abilities. In this reading, the life of the speaker/gun (here representing a poet) is aimless, full of potential ("Loaded") yet languishing in "Corners" until the creative muse (the Owner/Master) finds her and takes control. No longer content with a life devoid of her art, the speaker's very essence is tied up with the act of creation and dependent on the muse's existence. Art gives the speaker purpose and power.
The distinct characters of the speaker/gun and Owner/Master seemingly become fractured parts of one self in this interpretation. Once found, they become so enmeshed that the speaker is able to "speak for [the Owner/Master]." The speaker's contentment with extreme violence begins to make sense when thought of in this light. The "smile" is pride in her artistic achievement, which, in turn, is portrayed as the gunshot; so powerful is her art that it echoes throughout mountains. Further, when the speaker protects her Owner/Master at night, it can be read as the poet's fierce commitment to her writing, prioritizing it over any romantic entanglement ("'Tis better than the Eider Duck's / Deep Pillow to have shared -").
This reading of the poem also takes on additional resonance if viewed as being specifically about women's art. Nineteenth-century attitudes about the expected role of women were such that a woman's art was taken as an affront to cultural values and norms, which is what the fifth stanza could seem to explore. All four lines express a determined confidence and profound rage ("To foe of His - I'm deadly foe - / None stir the second time - ").
The final stanza then brings up an anxious weight perhaps experienced by all artists. Without her muse, her spark of inspiration, the speaker simply could not survive (Though I than He - may longer live / He longer must - than I - "). The added context of 19th-century women artists' struggle for recognition, acceptance, and even survival elucidates the poem's heaviness and high stakes.
나의 삶은 - 장전된 한 자루의 총
나의 생명은 - 장전된 한 자루의 총 -
구석진 곳에 서 있었다.
주인께서 지나다 알아보시고 -
나를 데려다 주신 그날까지 -
이제 우린 지고(至高)의 숲 속을 배회하고 -
이제 우린 암사슴을 사냥한다 -
내 그를 대변할 때마다 -
산은 맞받아 대답해 준다 -
나는 미소짓노니, 이토록 따뜻한 햇살이
계곡에 불타도다 -
베수비어스 화산이
만면에 기쁨을 분출했을 때 마냥 -
멋진 낮이 지고 - 밤이 들어 -
주인님 머리맡을 (따분히) 지키노라면 -
고락을 같이 했던 (낮의) 그 시절이
오리솜털의 - 푹신한 이 베개보다 좋았어라 -
주인님께 적이 되는 자에겐 난 무서운 적이니 -
내 노란 눈알을 -
아니 내 힘찬 낙점을 받으면 -
다시는 꿈틀거릴 자 없어라 -
내겐 죽이는 힘만 있을 뿐 -
죽는 힘이 없으니 -
내가 더 오래 살는지 모를 일이되,
제발 주인께서 더욱 오래오래 사시길 --
에밀리 디킨슨(Emily Dickinson)은 평생 자신의 집에서 은둔생활을 하며 창작에 몰두한 것으로 널리 알려져 있다. 그래서 그녀는 '뉴잉글랜드의 수녀', '은둔의 여왕' 등의 별명을 갖게 되었다. 그러나 그녀의 유년시절을 살펴보면 1850년대 초엽까지 디킨슨은 건전하고 사교적인 여자아이였다. 그녀는 마운트 홀리요크 여자 신학교(Mount Holyoke female Seminary)에서 돌아온 후 앰허스트(Amherst) 지역 청년단체에서 몇 년 동안 독서와 토론을 지도하였다. 그런데 1850년대 중반부터 은둔의 징후가 서서히 나타나 1860년대 말경에는 사회와 완전히 격리되어 1886년 그녀가 죽기까지 세상 바깥을 나오지 않았다. 그가 이렇게 은둔의 삶을 선택한 이유에는 여러 가지 견해가 있는데, 그중 가장 유력한 것이 사랑의 좌절설이다. 워즈워스(Charles Wadsworth) 목사와의 실연이 그녀로 하여금 세상을 등지게 하고 시에 전념했으리라는 것이다.
은둔생활은 디킨슨으로 하여금 충실한 내면생활을 할 수 있게 해 주었고, 타인의 사상이나 시각에 오염되지 않은 순수하고 독창적인 시각으로 대상을 바라볼 수 있게 해 주었다. 그런 때문에 "디킨슨은 세상을 거부함으로써 세상을 정복할 수 있었다"고 여러 비평가들은 이야기하고 있다. 그녀의 은둔은 삶으로부터의 퇴각이 아니라 보다 철저한 생으로의 침투였으며, 보다 완성되고 주체적인 삶의 창조였다.
디킨슨이 태어난 19세기의 뉴잉글랜드는 전통적인 가부장제도와 청교도 정신이 사회전반을 지배하는 사상적 근원으로 자리잡고 있던 사회였다. 여성으로서 집안의 천사처럼 수동적이고 순종적으로 사는 것이 미덕이었고, 종교적으로도 청교도 정신에 따라 금욕적인 생활을 하는 것이 당시 사회가 요구하는 삶의 형태였다. 이 무렵 등장한 에머슨(Ralph Emerson)의 초월주의는 이러한 정신적 억압을 받던 디킨슨이 사상적으로 자유로워지는 데 큰 영향을 주었다. 초월주의 사상 중 '보상(Compensation)'의 이론은 그녀가 주어진 환경을 극복하고 주체적인 역할을 하였다. 고통을 통해 진정한 기쁨을 얻고, 은둔과 절제를 통해 영혼의 풍요로움을 얻을 수 있다는 보상이론은 그녀가 사회적 억압과 구속을 이겨내는 데 큰 힘이 되어 주었다. 즉 그녀는 외면상 사회가 요구하는 침묵에 스스로를 순응시키면서 자신이 원하는 정신세계의 자유로움을 얻었던 것이다. 그녀는 이 은둔을 지켜 생전에 자신의 시를 출판하지 않았다.
그러나 그녀의 은둔은 하나의 삶의 방법이었지 삶의 목표는 아니었다. 이는 그녀가 은둔 중에 가족과 지역사회의 활동에 적극 참여하였고, 사람들과 어울려 토론하기를 즐겼으며, 여러 숱한 지인(知人)들과 수많은 편지를 통해 교류하였던 사실로 잘 알 수 있다. 그런 까닭에 그녀의 은둔은 삶의 진정성과 시 창작의 비전을 성취할 수 있는 자유를 제공받기 위한 수단으로 보기도 한다. 하지만 디킨슨의 태생적 자아가 홀로 있기를 즐겨하며 친교보다는 고독을, 사교적인 활동보다는 은둔의 침묵을 더욱 중시했다는 것은 흰옷을 고수했고 이층 방에서 좀처럼 모습을 보이지 않았던 그녀의 생활에서 분명하게 드러나는 점이다.
디킨슨의 자아와 시 세계는 "은둔 속에 발현되는 조응(照應)", 또는 "침묵을 통해 획득한 빛나는 진실"이라는 말로서 요약될 수 있다. 이러한 그녀의 내유외강(內柔內剛)한 성품은 그녀를 마치 화산과 같은 존재로 보게 한다. 즉 불꽃과 열기를 숨기고 있다가 결정적인 순간에 화염을 내뿜는 화산처럼 항상 조용한 가운데에서 들끓는 에너지를 감추고 있다는 것이다. 실제로 그녀는 사랑에 관한 오백여 편의 시를 남겼으나 스스로 남녀 간의 사랑을 멀리 하였고, 항상 죽음에 대해 명상하면서도 불멸의 세상을 동경하였다. 내면 깊숙이 큰 열정을 숨겼던 그녀, 디킨슨은 그만큼 양면적이고 모순적인 삶을 살았던 것이다.
주역(周易)의 괘상(卦象)에서 은둔 속에 열정을 숨긴 형상을 '산풍고(山風蠱)'라고 풀고 있다. 산이 위에서 누르고 있는데 안에서는 바람이 분다는 형국으로, 주체할 수 없는 기운이 몸 바깥으로 빠져나가려 하나, 당사자의 의식과 주관이 그 탈출을 막고 있다는 것이다. 여기에서 고(蠱)는 벌레를 뜻하는 것으로, 내면의 열정을 참고 있는 자에게 흔히 일어나는 증상 또는 징후이다. 억제된 마음의 실마리들이 쌓여 일어나는 울혈(鬱血)이 바로 그것이다. 내성적이고 온유하나 외향적인 충동을 숨기고 있는 자들이 이에 해당되는데, 대개의 사람들은 자신의 불안한 형국을 억제하지 못하고 발산해 버려 인생을 그르치나, 디킨슨은 치밀하고 조율된 감정의 다스림을 통해 이를 극복하여 나간 것으로 보인다.
디킨슨은 화산이나 총 등, 도발과 파괴를 상징하는 시들을 많이 남겼다. 여기에서 '총'과 '화산'은 작가의 이중적 세계관을 나타냄과 동시에, 폭발의 성정이 교묘하게 억제되고 있는 은둔의 상태를 표상하고 있다고 볼 수 있다. 디킨슨은 <나는 결코 화산을 본 적이 없다>라는 시에서 그 태도의 본질을 독자들에게 암시해 주고 있다.